So lately I've had this strange obsession with death. Now before you start imagining me wearing black, lighting candles, and chanting...let me explain. I don't think about death in a dark and depressing light, but more curiosity and at times I fearfully examine it. Derek thinks I'm a weirdo, because I bring it up at least a few times a week. Something will happen, and I will get lost in thought.

It seems the older I get, the more people I know passing away. Two nights ago, two boys from a local high school passed away in a car crash in Wichita. They were 21 and 22. Why do I get to live out my life today at the age of 24..yet their lives were cut short? It's a question that baffles me. It doesn't seem fair. Why on earth would a God who can control and stop anything from happening choose not to save them miraculously in that crash? What about the Connecticut shooting that took place a couple weeks ago? I can honestly say...I don't think I will EVER EVERRRRR begin to understand why that will ever work for the "good", or begin to understand God's plan.

Today I took Dixie on a walk. In Caldwell, I can count on one hand the amount of nice houses. There is one house in particular that looks like a mansion.  Over the summer I can remember seeing the old man out watering his garden. He appeared to be very late in life..I would say at least 80. He could barely walk across the yard. Sometime this fall he passed away. His once manicured lawn is over grown. You can see the detailed landscaping that was once there is no longer what it used to be. The once beautiful house now looks empty and abandoned. What a sad and depressing thought. This is all the legacy that is left behind. All of the money and care that was invested into this home...is now worthless.

I think about this alot because Derek and I have been house hunting. Sometimes I find myself so obsessed with finding that "perfect home". But when I think about this old man's abandoned mansion in town, I find myself caring less and less about that perfect home. I am sure I could find numerous people in town who could tell stories of the old man, but to me...all I remember is he had a garden...and left a huge house behind.  Why on earth am I so obsessed more with what I have in life, and not the legacy that I leave behind? Because someday that perfect home will be nothing but a empty abandoned home. Yes, I am still young. And God willing I still have many many years left to create that legacy. But what's to say I'm not that next heartbreaking story on the news of someone dying too soon?

I'm learning that I shouldn't expect to live to the ripe age of 80. I want to be prepared for that day. So, spiritually I want to be able to meet my maker and give an account of my life. I sometimes wonder how people who walk through their lives without having some sort of spirituality. I do believe and stand very firmly in my Christian roots, but I know that religion is diverse. I know that just as firmly as I hold my beliefs, someone who is Jewish holds their's. And I will always be accepting of religion being different and diverse. But believing in NOTHING? Thinking you can hold off on religion until you're older, and ready to reflect on it..live a "religious" life....knowing you're going to die but pretending it couldn't happen today? That is something I can't understand.

"What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short...For this world in its present form is passing away." 1 Corinthians 7:29, 31

Year One.

So here I am. One year from the day I got the phone call that rocked my world. It's weird how certain moments in your life seem to stand still. I can remember exactly what I was wearing, what my hair looked like, where I was standing, and what the weather was like when my Doctor called with my biopsy results. I jumped off the elliptical, when down to the east doors of WSU gym and took the call. I was very classy like wearing a "Free Weezy" shirt and had my long hair in a bun on top of my head. It was raining that day which added to the dramatic effect of the moment. It's strange the way things work like that.

The past year has been filled with pain, doubt, fear, joy, disappointment and love. I can easily say I will never look at myself and my friends and family the same way as I did before. I couldn't possibly look at life the same either. When I think back on the biggest lessons I learned this year they would probably go like this:

1. I am strong.

2. Never take health for granted. I can remember days that I couldn't muster the strength to get out of bed, both mentally and physically. I can remember dreaming of the days I could go for a jog. I ultimately gained 10 pounds as a results of chemotherapy, and lack of physical activity. I was already unhappy with my weight before cancer, and then I gained ten more pounds...and lost my hair. I knew that I owed it to myself and my body to kick it into gear as soon as treatment was done. I can tell you today I have lost 25 pounds since the last day of my treatments! I'm not sure what exactly caused my body to stop having the strength to fight the cancer cells that were growing in my body. Maybe it was just pissed off. But I am now a firm believer that everything you put in your mouth has some sort of impact on your body. I'm no health nut, but Derek and I have adopted a "Paleo" diet...well, a majority of the time we do...we're hardcore food and beer addicts (self-diagnosed). But, I have never felt better in my life. All of the yuck I used to fuel my body with did nothing but pack on pounds and poison my body with toxins. My body is my temple, and if I take care of it...it will take care of me.

3. The cliche saying "you find out who your friends are" is SO true. After being diagnosed I can go on and on about all of the people in my life that stepped up to the plate and showed me how important I am to them. I cannot even being expressing my gratitude to my family, friends, co-workers, or random people who had heard about my diagnosis. I could never have made it through six months without any of them. But along with that, you also learn who isn't going to step up to the plate. There were people in my life that I desperately needed, that weren't present during this time. I don't think they understand what an impact just their presence would have made on some of my toughest days. I don't say this to judge or to create a ranting blog, because judging isn't my job. And nobody wants to hear me complain. But I just use this as a lesson for when friends and family are in need. No matter what, I need to step up to the plate for them. You never know when you could be the one person they need to brighten their day.


-Molly

Ya know.

Wellllllll it appears as though I haven't updated in a long time! So here we go...

I had to see a doctor for the first time in 3 MONTHS! That was a nice feeling.  I am just now being able to stand the smell of fast food and hand sanitizer without wanting to vomit almost instantly.  But..I don't think i'll ever be able to recover from the smell of frozen dinners. There would always be one fool who came into the treatment room when I would be in there and heat up their Lean Cuisine or whatever nastiness they desired. Pair that smell up with being nauseous for 4 hours in a small room...I don't think I'll ever recover. I can smell that frozen over-processed goodness heating up a mile away! Anyway..

Going back to the cancer center was pretty bittersweet for me. Part of me wanted to dance because it was over...but most of me wanted to curl into a fetal position and cry. I pray that I will never have to deal with all that I've went through again. And I am so thankful that I am done. But my heart was broken for all the people that were still having to go through that hell EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Sweet old ladies that I saw 6 months ago while on their 2nd year of chemo were still in there getting poked, prodded, and filled up with poison. While my life moved on...things don't change there. The faces may change but there is always someone in there waiting for their day of freedom from that place. Here I am, complaining about school, my hair, the dog peeing in the house...and there are hundreds of people sitting in the cancer center wishing that school and their new puppy were the biggest problems in life. So I guess guilt is alot of what I feel. Somedays, I just get so grumpy I forget about how lucky I am. No, life isn't perfect after cancer. And I accept I'm going to be a happy giddy butterfly every single day. But good Lord Molly, you have a whole lot to be thankful for.

If any of you have too much free time, or are looking for volunteer opportunities. Call the Cancer center. If you love old people, you will find the sweetest ones there you will ever see. And I guarantee you can learn a lessons about life you didn't know.

Here is a hair update...I can fit it into baby pig tails...which may be ridiculous looking. But they make me happpppyyyy. Keep in mind..two months ago..I was almost bald. So this is a big thing for me! Sorry for the ridiculous cheese. I have issues taking serious pictures of myself.

Oh I graduate in 6 months.

Oh I get married in 10 months.

Life is good.

IT'S OVER!

It's over it's over it's over!!! My last day of radiation was Tuesday. It's now Thursday. It's kind of a surreal feeling knowing that I don't have to see another Doctor until July (after I get my port removed on May 11th). Radiation went VERY well. For those of you who don't really know anyone who has had radiation treatment...it's basically like a big rotating MRI machine looking thing. It makes alot of noise and buzzing. My treatments took about 10 minutes. Pretty painless..except for the 3 tattoos they put on me to mark where they centered the radiation. (Yes, they are permanent) They're just little black dots that look like freckles. Since my radiation was centered on my throat and chest..I had some difficulty eating solid foods for about a week. But other than that I can't complain, it all went pretty quick and smoothly. Anything is better than chemo.

My hair is starting to grow back. Prenatal vitamins and Biotin supplements work prettttyyy good! I'd say some of my regrowth is about 2 inches now. I'm meeting with a stylist today to see if extensions are a possibility in the near future. I don't really want engagement pictures done with my Beetlejuice hair, as I call it.

Also exciting news, I start back to work next week! And I graduate in December! Yay for life being good! :) Here's a song that likes to make me cry...enjoy!

Well, it's been almost two months since I've posted on here! So here's a quick update....

I'm done with CHEMO!

That's the best news. Even though I've been done for almost a month...it still hasn't sunk in. I still feel like i'm going to have to go back every time Wednesday rolls around. Chemo sucks. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I started radiation this morning...I will have three weeks of radiation (15 treatments). They'll be Mon-Fri and the good news is they only take about 15 mins! Side effects should be a sore throat and a little fatigue. But, the Doctor says the fatigue I'll have won't be as bad as what I've already had. So that's good news!

I cannot even begin thanking everyone who has been supporting me for the past 6 months. It's going to have to have it's own post. There's just so much I want to say about it...but for right now I'll just say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!

Oh boy.

This is the coffee I'm currently drinking. It made me smile. And its non-fat/sugar free. Can't beat that.

Well, the end is in sight. I have ONE cycle of Chemo left. (One cycle = Two sessions) I got my last schedule from the Cancer Center that has all of my appointments that I have left..on one sheet! I won't meet with my radiologist until after I'm done with all my Chemo, but from what it sounds like I should be able to get my port out pretty soon after my last session. This is what I'm most excited about. It's weird having a foreign object protruding from your chest and a tube sticking out under your skin on your neck.

I was thinking today, that I really don't think I've given myself time to process everything that's happened the past few months. I don't know the last time I sat down..alone..and just reflected over everything that has happened. A time to count my blessings, I suppose. My first step I decided, logically, was to delete one of the things that seems to steal so much time..Facebook. I hate having it on my phone, I find myself just habitually pulling it up all the time. It's hard to notice things going on around you when you are busy checking out what new things are pissing off or annoying people. 90% of the time I'm on Facebook I see something that annoys me, so I don't even know why I get on there. I guess I just need some time to "unplug" from somethings. Spend more time actually being with the people I'm around. And I can tell you, I've already noticed myself just feeling happier already.

Speaking of happy...that's what this song is.

-Molly

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

Three more treatments. From the outside it may seem like a small number..but from my perspective..that's three too many. It's so hard to stay positive nowadays. My body is just so tired and I can feel it telling me "What the heck are you doing to me, Molly?". I realize that these last three treatments are keeping me from hopefully EVER having to go through this again. I just sometimes want to throw in the towel and say, my cancer is gone I'm not going to do this anymore! But, I've come to learn I'm alot stronger than I ever thought I could be. Just kind of tired of being strong...i'm ready for the easy life again!

Today I'm sitting in a cute little coffee shop in Garden City, KS. If you've never been to Garden City, I'll sum it up for you...stinky, dirty and lame. Theres way too many people to be living here for there to be so little to do. I mean, the nicest place to shop is an outlet JcPenney. Come onnnnnnn. But I stumbled upon this coffee shop my last time I was here. It's probably the best place to go in Garden..and nobody knows it yet.

Lately it seems like there is so much sad things happening. A friend of my sisters, Leslee, has a baby boy who has been battling sickness that just won't seem to go away. Doctors seem to have no solutions for them. I cannot look at pictures of baby Landon being hooked up to machines or hear about him getting IV's put into his little body without crying. I think I sympathize with him. I know first hand what it feels like to be poked, prodded, and stuck in a life you can't get away from. All you really want is life to be normal again. To be able to be play and laugh, knowing that it won't end tomorrow or next week when you end up back at the hospital again. You can find a link to Landon's page here. Check it out..read his story. Pray for him and his family. I promise you will be encouraged by how strong this little man is.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Love-for-Landon/239071686171036?sk=wall

-Molly